Friday, 19 October 2012
I am writing to apply for the position of night watcher advertised on gumtree.
I am an experienced nightwatcher. I have 4 years of experience in surveillance of sleeping homosapiens. I specialise in REM cycles but am strong in all elements of the sleep cycle.
My experience ranges from nannying to the supervision of adults. I also have a graduate certificate in night watching from RMIT and I was the dux of my class. I am confident that my studies will aid me greatly in providing you with an exceptional sleeping experience.
I am also willing to negotiate the donning of your proposed owl costume. I worked as the Easter Bunny at Toys R Us during my semester break during my studies, and so am completely confident and comfortable in my ability to wear an owl costume during the hours of my attendance.
Finally, in my other university breaks I undertook the role of sleep consultant at Captain Snooze, on the corner of Nicholson street and Alexandra Parade. I was quickly promoted to team leader and held the record for the most excellent sleeps achieved during my tenure.
In relation to your offer of providing muesli bars as sustenance, unfortunately I suffer from nut related anaphylaxis. I would, however, be willing to negotiate the substitution of muesli bars for fruit roll ups. Truth be told, I prefer real fruit, flat out.
I thank you for considering my application, and my references are available upon request.
I look forward to your response.
I really appreciate the time and effort you have taken to apply with me. I am very excited about your credentials but I do not allow anybody in my house to consume such products as the aforementioned roll ups.
I will provide you with real fruit if that is what you would like but I only buy healthy food so would a lettuce head be an acceptable substitution? I could even draw a small smiley face upon the head so that you feel more comfortable with his consumption. We could call him all kinds of wild names if you'd really like to have fun with it like Lettuce, Mr. Lettuce or even, Lett Uce.
Does this sound okay?
Also, are you okay with standing for long periods of time? I had previously thought to sit my owl upon a rather tall stool I have but now i'm not too sure if that would be stable for long periods.
Kind regards, Susan.